Or spent the whole night standing naked in a stranger's cupboard because you're too polite to ask for help? (Don't ask.)

Being British isn't easy. Especially if you live abroad, where your countrymen aren't exactly famous for, well, blending in.

As his beloved homeland goes bananas, bestselling humourist Paul Hawkins takes on Britishness-how it looks from the outside, how to be British abroad and what you only learn about home once you leave it.

In this comedy book of funny anecdotes and satirical advice, he reveals the awkward secrets, private oddness and cultural blind-spots of the British, for any one who has ever wondered how we look through foreign eyes.

Part memoir and part cheat-sheet for decoding a nation of well-meaning misfits, The Bloody British is full of hilarious insights about Britishness gleaned-often begrudgingly-from the author's own time as other people's foreigner.

Featuring invaluable advice for all Brits and newcomers to the UK, including:

• The Brit Abroad Language-Speaking Plan
• How to be Rude, Politely (the secret code of passive-aggression)
• How to be Mean, Nicely (the unwritten rules of banter)
• ... plus the 14-page 'Integration Guide' spoof for British tourists.

For fans of Very British Problems, Douglas Adams and Bill Bryson, it's the perfect gift for the socially awkward oddball in your life (especially if that socially awkward oddball is you.)

* * *

Praise (and hostility) for The Bloody British:

★★★★★ "Bloody funny." Josef M.

★★★★★ "Frighteningly accurate." Nicholas Grainger

★★★★★ "Filled with hilariously witty observations. Brilliant." Tom Hardy

★★★★★ "A fabulous antidote for post-Brexit blues." Nicole

★★★★★ "This book takes everything and nothing seriously. Bloody great." Ms. E. Barker

★★★★★ "Excellent and painfully close to the truth. I suspect the negative reviews are from inveterate Brexiteers, or members of the knotted hankie brigade." Maxzie

★☆☆☆☆ "As britain is an island consisiting of 3 different and not a nation itself, this book is highly inaccurate." Dennis

★★★★★ "A timely comic relief. Hilarious." Alex

★★★★★ "Essential reading for newly landed Brits-to-be." Mitch

★★★★★ "Informative and humorous. As a foreigner, I could understand better the British spirit." Paula

★★★★★ "I loved everything about this funny, quirky, lovely book. A must read." Mirja Brachtel

★★★★★ "Spot on observations and very funny anecdotes. The story about the author insulting Prince Andrew is hilarious!" Adam

★★★★★ "Nobody puts [the British] into perspective better than Mr Hawkins." - Mike

★★★★★ "Very funny. Scarily true." E. Gamewell

★★★★★ "Very perceptive and encapsulates what it is to be 'British'" Mo

★☆☆☆☆ "I am getting quite sick of all these 'British' titles which really should read 'English.' Britain is a geographical term it is not a nation. By all means, call the book 'The Bloody English' but don't lazily incorporate one of the most ancient nations in Europe in what is a satirical work about the English." Scottish reader

★★★★★ "If you are fed up of taking life too seriously then this is a book for you. Brilliant." Kindle reader